Monday, April 10, 2006
Coffee, Cake and Companions
Before I say anything else, much love to Jill. I still have the card you gave me at the airport tacked on the notice board above my desk.
I was stressed out about losing my yearly student ticket and concession card, over the Human Writes Essay, over my Revs SAC, over my Chem SAC, and the recurring issue of friends - people I sit with, talk with, laugh with but have such a hellish time being completely relaxed and comfortable around. I just can't drape myself over someone's lap, or tug at someone's hair, or grab someone's neck from behind, or pull someone up or play with people's fingers, the way really close friends do. I feel like a completely stiff, over-polite person. It's a well known (and sometimes bemoaned) fact that the closer you get to someone, the ruder and meaner you can be to them. Perhaps those aren't the right terms - for sure you become more affectionate and can afford to do a bit more name calling and tugging and shoving and horsing around. That's what I mean. That's exactly what I mean.
I'm still at the smiling, nodding polite stage even though I've known them for more than a year now. It pains me, I don't know what to do. Do I suddenly start getting all touchy-feely the way they are with each other? I actually think that will freak them out.
After school today, I went with Leanne, Triya and Sherry to get coffee and cake at Gloria Jeans. We had a great time - the conversation was flowing and enjoyable and I actually had some genuine laughs, not the typical uncomprehending smile and forced laughter I tend to go into when people share a private joke and I've only heard the second half and I don't understand but by golly, if I don't laugh along I'll be seen as a humourless, over-serious person. You know that kind of laughter- it strains you rather than give you emotional release, depresses you rather than uplifts you. Makes you feel fake when you want to be real. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Leanne said to me, "I've noticed that you're quiet in our big group."
I paused for a while, a bit hurt. Then I felt stupid for feeling hurt. I said, carefully, "You're right. I wish I'm not like that, but I just don't know what to do."
She didn't give a direct answer. She probably wouldn't have been able to. She's secure in her position, completely comfortable. I don't have that luxury. It's my fault I didn't try harder, I suppose, but some things come naturally to people and some things just don't.
I was stressed out about losing my yearly student ticket and concession card, over the Human Writes Essay, over my Revs SAC, over my Chem SAC, and the recurring issue of friends - people I sit with, talk with, laugh with but have such a hellish time being completely relaxed and comfortable around. I just can't drape myself over someone's lap, or tug at someone's hair, or grab someone's neck from behind, or pull someone up or play with people's fingers, the way really close friends do. I feel like a completely stiff, over-polite person. It's a well known (and sometimes bemoaned) fact that the closer you get to someone, the ruder and meaner you can be to them. Perhaps those aren't the right terms - for sure you become more affectionate and can afford to do a bit more name calling and tugging and shoving and horsing around. That's what I mean. That's exactly what I mean.
I'm still at the smiling, nodding polite stage even though I've known them for more than a year now. It pains me, I don't know what to do. Do I suddenly start getting all touchy-feely the way they are with each other? I actually think that will freak them out.
After school today, I went with Leanne, Triya and Sherry to get coffee and cake at Gloria Jeans. We had a great time - the conversation was flowing and enjoyable and I actually had some genuine laughs, not the typical uncomprehending smile and forced laughter I tend to go into when people share a private joke and I've only heard the second half and I don't understand but by golly, if I don't laugh along I'll be seen as a humourless, over-serious person. You know that kind of laughter- it strains you rather than give you emotional release, depresses you rather than uplifts you. Makes you feel fake when you want to be real. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Leanne said to me, "I've noticed that you're quiet in our big group."
I paused for a while, a bit hurt. Then I felt stupid for feeling hurt. I said, carefully, "You're right. I wish I'm not like that, but I just don't know what to do."
She didn't give a direct answer. She probably wouldn't have been able to. She's secure in her position, completely comfortable. I don't have that luxury. It's my fault I didn't try harder, I suppose, but some things come naturally to people and some things just don't.
# posted by me lah @ 8:26 pm 
