Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I can bearly breath
29 August 2006, at 10.34 pm, home; a sudden realisation hits me: it's over. It's over before it even began.
30 August 2006, 9.30 am, Camberwell Gloria Jeans; I got a message from him in response to a message I sent last night, asking if he would like to catch up sometime. His message: "Hey. Sorry i've bearly had time to breath. Hope all is going well with u" I quickly exit from my inbox. I'm with Amy and Becky. I can't speak. I stand foolishy looking around with a white hot chocolate cup steaming away on the counter. I can feel the blood in my brain beating hard against my skull. We sit down. I get a comfy chair. I stare at a poster on a wall informing me that coffee beans can only be grown between the tropics of cancer and capricorn. "I have a headache," I tell them, "I hope it's not because of the music." Anthony Callea sings You Raise Me Up and there's a heavy bass beat pounding away, just pounding away, in tune to the blood in my head.
30 August 2006, 10.25 am, Period 2 Lit Class, School; it's the start of lit class, I nearly weep with exhaustion. I want to go home.
30 August 2006, 11.03 am, Period 2 Lit Class, School; we're reading pg 135 of The Children's Bach. Fourth sentence from the top: "'In the next act,' he murmured, 'Margaret waits for Faust. She waits and waits, but in vain, he does not come. He is in the depths of the forest, invoking Nature.' " I bristle like a porcupine.
30 August 2006, 11.40 am Period 2 Lit Class, School; We're now halfway through pg 144 of The Children's Bach. Fifth paragraph from the top: "All these songs, thought Athena, are about the end of love, or its wrong beginnings." With gritted teeth I whisper to myself under my breath, "Do. Not. Let. Life. Become. A. Cliche."
30 August 2006, 11.45 am End of Period 2, beginning of Period 3 Physics, School; I now feel strangely exhilarated. I feel an incredible sense of freedom. Go go go! Exams - full steam ahead, no distractions anymore. I walk to my locker with a jiggle in my hips, thinking, I'll survive, I always do. Survive survive survive. "Live and survive, there's no difference." My God, I'm quoting Tim Winton. I must be a changed person. (See 24/8 entry, "As good as it gets", and you'll understand why this is a phenomenal thing.) At my locker, I read his message again, and the most incredible thing happens, I laugh. He's spelled 'barely' as 'bearly' and 'breathe' as 'breath'. I feel my bitterness ebbing away, because I'm reminded of why I even liked him in the first place. More importantly, why these past two months haven't been a waste of time. Time and money spent making multiple trips to Video-Ezy - not wasted, because he has a gorgeous soul; because he has the spelling ability of a 9 year old.
I contemplate returning his message, but really, there is no need. There is a finality to it that warrants no reply.
"Hope all is going well with u" - It's good luck, and goodbye.
Maybe not all is going well. Not right now. But it will be. Like Van says, I'll 'keep on keeping on'.
Before rushing off to the Physics lab, I think
I hope all goes well with you too.
30 August 2006, 9.30 am, Camberwell Gloria Jeans; I got a message from him in response to a message I sent last night, asking if he would like to catch up sometime. His message: "Hey. Sorry i've bearly had time to breath. Hope all is going well with u" I quickly exit from my inbox. I'm with Amy and Becky. I can't speak. I stand foolishy looking around with a white hot chocolate cup steaming away on the counter. I can feel the blood in my brain beating hard against my skull. We sit down. I get a comfy chair. I stare at a poster on a wall informing me that coffee beans can only be grown between the tropics of cancer and capricorn. "I have a headache," I tell them, "I hope it's not because of the music." Anthony Callea sings You Raise Me Up and there's a heavy bass beat pounding away, just pounding away, in tune to the blood in my head.
30 August 2006, 10.25 am, Period 2 Lit Class, School; it's the start of lit class, I nearly weep with exhaustion. I want to go home.
30 August 2006, 11.03 am, Period 2 Lit Class, School; we're reading pg 135 of The Children's Bach. Fourth sentence from the top: "'In the next act,' he murmured, 'Margaret waits for Faust. She waits and waits, but in vain, he does not come. He is in the depths of the forest, invoking Nature.' " I bristle like a porcupine.
30 August 2006, 11.40 am Period 2 Lit Class, School; We're now halfway through pg 144 of The Children's Bach. Fifth paragraph from the top: "All these songs, thought Athena, are about the end of love, or its wrong beginnings." With gritted teeth I whisper to myself under my breath, "Do. Not. Let. Life. Become. A. Cliche."
30 August 2006, 11.45 am End of Period 2, beginning of Period 3 Physics, School; I now feel strangely exhilarated. I feel an incredible sense of freedom. Go go go! Exams - full steam ahead, no distractions anymore. I walk to my locker with a jiggle in my hips, thinking, I'll survive, I always do. Survive survive survive. "Live and survive, there's no difference." My God, I'm quoting Tim Winton. I must be a changed person. (See 24/8 entry, "As good as it gets", and you'll understand why this is a phenomenal thing.) At my locker, I read his message again, and the most incredible thing happens, I laugh. He's spelled 'barely' as 'bearly' and 'breathe' as 'breath'. I feel my bitterness ebbing away, because I'm reminded of why I even liked him in the first place. More importantly, why these past two months haven't been a waste of time. Time and money spent making multiple trips to Video-Ezy - not wasted, because he has a gorgeous soul; because he has the spelling ability of a 9 year old.
I contemplate returning his message, but really, there is no need. There is a finality to it that warrants no reply.
"Hope all is going well with u" - It's good luck, and goodbye.
Maybe not all is going well. Not right now. But it will be. Like Van says, I'll 'keep on keeping on'.
Before rushing off to the Physics lab, I think
I hope all goes well with you too.
Labels: Boys
# posted by me lah @ 5:20 pm 
