Sunday, November 12, 2006
To live is to suffer, (bitch).
Now that the exams are out of the way, the situation for the Formal has been resolved (due to some happy misunderstanding I will no longer be B---'s partner), I guess it's time for me to... grow up.
It's not going to be easy. I am one of the most insecure, neurotic, self-centred, self-absorbed, pessimistic and mean persons I know.
I recall thinking, "God. I'll rather kill myself than have to deal with taxes, driving, jobs, earning money, renting apartments, buying cars, selling houses and paying bills. And fines. And getting subpoened for whatever deep dark illegal activity I'm sure I will unwittingly committ some time down the road."
So much easier to worry about homework and assignments. So much easier to wall myself up in a room and study until my mind is in a happy stupor.
And also this being very pathetic, so much easier when all you have to worry about is whether the download rate for the newest Veronica Mars episode is fast enough (it's not).
I admire those who make it seem so easy. I admire those who make it seem like another ho-hum hundrum habitual thing, just some rite of passage they slip into with their first job at Maccers, age 14, their first boyfriend at age 14 half, their second job at Target at age 16, their Learner's licence, age 16 half, their second boyfriend, age 17, their probationary licence age 18, their first (second hand) car, age 18 half, gap year to teach English in some obscure village, age 19, social work degree at university, age 20. Their first apartment, age... ok I'm rambling now. You get my point.
And I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared. I'm scared and I know some people are too, but it doesn't feel like that's the case. Maybe I'm blinkered by self-absorption and a casual dimissal of other people's own problems... but I feel alone. Alone against the big bad world. And that sounds as if I stole it word for word right out of some 13-year old's 'angst'-filled diary.
To the people who struggle but make it seem so easy, you deserve quiet applause.
To the people who do have it easy... "get out of my elite, uncaring face". (sorry, couldn't resist that. RJCian, trilingual daughters of Singapore politicans with an overblown sense of entitlement do have the best sound bites, don't they?)
It's not going to be easy. I am one of the most insecure, neurotic, self-centred, self-absorbed, pessimistic and mean persons I know.
I recall thinking, "God. I'll rather kill myself than have to deal with taxes, driving, jobs, earning money, renting apartments, buying cars, selling houses and paying bills. And fines. And getting subpoened for whatever deep dark illegal activity I'm sure I will unwittingly committ some time down the road."
So much easier to worry about homework and assignments. So much easier to wall myself up in a room and study until my mind is in a happy stupor.
And also this being very pathetic, so much easier when all you have to worry about is whether the download rate for the newest Veronica Mars episode is fast enough (it's not).
I admire those who make it seem so easy. I admire those who make it seem like another ho-hum hundrum habitual thing, just some rite of passage they slip into with their first job at Maccers, age 14, their first boyfriend at age 14 half, their second job at Target at age 16, their Learner's licence, age 16 half, their second boyfriend, age 17, their probationary licence age 18, their first (second hand) car, age 18 half, gap year to teach English in some obscure village, age 19, social work degree at university, age 20. Their first apartment, age... ok I'm rambling now. You get my point.
And I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared. I'm scared and I know some people are too, but it doesn't feel like that's the case. Maybe I'm blinkered by self-absorption and a casual dimissal of other people's own problems... but I feel alone. Alone against the big bad world. And that sounds as if I stole it word for word right out of some 13-year old's 'angst'-filled diary.
To the people who struggle but make it seem so easy, you deserve quiet applause.
To the people who do have it easy... "get out of my elite, uncaring face". (sorry, couldn't resist that. RJCian, trilingual daughters of Singapore politicans with an overblown sense of entitlement do have the best sound bites, don't they?)
Labels: Growing Pains
# posted by me lah @ 12:41 am 
